Happy Thanksgiving! A post on the precept regarding sexuality.

It’s oddly appropriate for me to posting, by chance, on the subject of sexuality on Thanksgiving.  In the past, this holiday, and Easter as well, has been a time for refection on the sexual nature of much of existence.  The connection likely isn't so clear, but I'll get to that...

All through this week, I’ve been reflecting on the vow to not misuse sexuality.  And that reflection has opened up an incredibly large feeling in me of returning to something sacred.  Until my mid-twenties, when I began to focus on finding and creating my place in society, I had a highly sexualized view of the universe, which is one of many of the aspects of myself I unconsciously left behind when I left Arizona, left my partner, and began to figure out who I was as a professional, a teacher, a researcher, etc.  It’s interesting to consider myself in this light: like so many other people, I'm a being who has left essential parts of himself behind in the quest for meaningful but normative participation in society.  With reflection and the aid of the dharma, perhaps this doesn’t need to be the case. 

Reflecting on this precept has been a reawakening to the fact that a true understanding of myself and of being involves a sexual understanding, and an understanding of sexuality that goes far beyond what this society typically has to offer.  The connection between that sexual understanding and Thanksgiving is that Thanksgiving is a celebration of abundance, which is a celebration of fertility, of the sexual nature of life.  Sometimes there is no abundance on the surface – no copious amounts of food – but Thanksgiving is about a deeper abundance: one aspect of this deeper abundance is the abundance that is created when people work together and give freely and selflessly even when, materially, they have little.  This is an abundance of the heart.

Another form of abundance is the abundance we come to understand when we recognize that being is sacred, when we feel in our core the infinite interconnectedness that brought us this food and this existence.  Sexuality is at the core of that interconnectedness, the food we eat only exists because of its sexual nature, and we only exist because of foods sexual nature and because of our own.  If we go deep into Thanksgiving, we could give thanks for what makes this all possible, give thanks for the sexual nature of life by finding a way to feel this in our bodies and hearts.  How can we feel how deeply sacred sexuality is?  How deeply sacred our sexuality is, and the sexuality of the beings around us?  How can we profoundly understand that?  Cultivate that?  See that in others?  Help others see that?  How can we care for each other like this, support each other in discovering this?  And if we have trouble viewing sexuality in this mystical but profoundly realistic and grounded light, where does that come from?  Can we develop spiritual practices and modes of friendship that help us move beyond various social impediments and develop ourselves profoundly?  To me the vow regarding sexuality is a practice in working with these questions.   

But how does this connect to the wording not to misuse sexuality?  I know what it’s like for myself to feel the depth of my sexuality, the feeling of having a creative force flowing through me that connects me to the creative power of being in general.  I know what it’s like to identify with that and what it’s like not to identify with that: the deepest love I have ever experienced arose from this identification.  Such a vision of sexuality made it impossible not to see everything as sacred and to care for everything.  Its very much like seeing God's presence in all being, or understanding all being is buddha-being.  Sexuality can help us get to that!  Dis-identified with that sacred sexuality, my body isn’t as naturally oriented towards such deep love: I experience a disconnect from which I then have to try to love.  From this disconnect, instead of actually loving, I sometimes just think about loving, or instead of actually loving, the emotion I have is of wanting to love.  For me this disconnect leads clearly away from the nature of the bodhisattva.  When I examine what sexuality looks like on the bodhisattva path, I find it as fully awakening to ones sexuality.  I feel that I am misusing sexuality whenever my sexual energy takes me away from the bodhisattva path rather than deeper into it, I feel I am misusing sexuality whenever my sexual energy takes me away from feeling a profound connection with and love for all being.     

It has been quite a long time - it almost feels like another life - since I have sat in any seriousness with all this.  There have been some big shifts that led me back to it recently, but also a number of everyday instances over the last week.  Each of these instances, in some small way, involve working with the precept.  They also show that the precept, while perhaps ultimately lofty, doesn't have to be so...                                         

1)      Earlier this week I wanted to – and should have – expressed desire to a woman, but could not find the right words or gestures at the right moment.  I walked home feeling cowardly, confused about my failure to express what I wanted to, and ashamed at leaving her hanging with whatever unaddressed feelings and questions she may have.  As I sat with these feelings, at first I felt out of my element, like my sexual light was dim.  After a few minutes of being present with my breath and body, I began to feel that possibility of awakening to myself, to my sexuality, to my sexual strength and clarity.  I promised myself I would focus on this once again. 

2)      Later, a dear and sad friend needed to be held, and I was aware that I was only able to offer to hold her, and then to hold her so well, with such warmth and safety and presence to her energy, because I had sat with, felt, and considered my sexual energy the day before. 

3)      That same process allowed me to have a wonderful, open, and caring conversation about desire with a woman I care for as a friend.  I feel like the same sort of conversation could deepen a few friendships that I have, in which there is a palpable mutual attraction even though all that is desired is friendship.  Finding a way to navigate those desires, together, can be a profound way of knowing and caring for each other and being strong together.    

4)      I also began to reflect on how, distant from my sexual energy, I have far less to offer men.  Strong in my sexual nature, I have more care to offer, more presence, more sturdiness in self.  I also find myself in situations from time to time where I have to challenge negative masculine sexualities, and in those situations, its essential to show men a masculinity that is not made effeminate through love but is strengthened.  When I teach, young men often gravitate towards me because I exist as a healthy example of masculinity for them.  This has everything to do with me being in touch with my sexual nature.  Men, regardless of their sexual persuasion, are often searching for other men who are caring but also strong.  It is important for us to be around other men with healthy sexualities and to support each other in developing in this way.   

5)      Finally, a funny story: I was hanging out with a certain merchant-mariner friend of mine, a union man covered in a sailors tattoos.  We were talking about the Albrecht Durer engraving I have in my room, “St. Jerome in His Study”.  Him asking about it is symbolic of what kind of man he is, because people rarely ask about this picture – he is a man who notices things that might be meaningful to you.  As we talked I played an Italian pianist I adore, Ludovico Einaudi, and my friend immediately recognized it.  We began talking about classical music, and to make a long story short, floated the idea of going to the symphony or opera together.  “Man, this is crazy,” he said.  “I can’t even talk about classical music at work, what would the guys think of me?  I can’t have that!  So this is awesome just talking about this with a man.  But going to the opera together?  I just don’t know!”  We both found it interesting that we enjoy doing such things not only with lovers, but with women we are friends with.  But not with men!  We desire that feminine presence when listening to a symphony.  What is that about?  The conversation caused me to consider my male body and its interactions with other male bodies as well as the magic of women and all the secret things their presence gives to me.  (And yes, we are going to push our boundaries and see what it’s like to dress up nice and go out together!)

The vow to not misuse sexuality could be read simply as vow not to use your sexuality in a way that harms yourself or others.  As such, it’s a specification of the general rule to refrain from doing harm.  In all the vows, I tend to think of “refraining from harm” in this way: despite all the teachings on karma becoming twisted through all our various actions, to truly refrain from harm does not entail solely non-action, but also self-development.  As I see it the two exist in a dialectic, which speaks to the notion that living according to the precepts facilitates zazen and zazen facilitates the precepts.  

To turn the idea of refraining on its head, if I refrain from understanding and cultivating myself as a sexual being, I end up doing more harm than if I develop myself.  So if I truly want to refrain from harm, I will engage in sophisticated forms of non-action, but I will also actively create the type of self that will do the least harm and the most good.  Along these lines, the vow not to lie becomes, for me, a vow to devote myself to facilitating clarity in this world; the vow not to misuse sexuality becomes a vow to deeply understand my sexuality and to create the healthiest, most wonderful sexuality that I can for myself.  I also vow to see clearly, honor, and support the sexualities of all who I encounter.  From my perspective this is a bodhisattva vow to care for the sexual energy of all others, at all stages of life, and to love and contemplate the sexual nature of life.