Riding down Market street:
The gray-blue fog of the morning
Has once again eaten the ferry building.
New Years Eve: Just after midnight, the fire was burning in the Zen Center courtyard, and as I looked into the flames and watched practitioner after practitioner cast some part of their karma into the blaze, I was moved to witness some some deep karmic seeds within myself. I have never made resolutions, but suddenly it made sense: it was time to cast certain karmic seeds into the fire.
We chant about becoming fully aware of our ancient, twisted karma - twisted in the sense of complexly knotted and inextricably tangled. Infinite seeds have sprouted within us and have become densely interconnected from time immemorial. Having no belief in reincarnation, I cannot say this literally, but the depth and complexity of human being, especially as witnessed through a life informed by zazen, is a manifestation of time immemorial within a single life. This flesh, composed of densely interconnected, twisting vines of karma, may as well be truly immemorial.
Much of the tangled quality of my being arises from my use of words and certain manifestations of my intellect. The most poignant example I thought of in that moment of watching the fire was my tendency to associate understanding with explanation. While I know this is not true - especially as a teacher! - there are numerous karmic elements that continue to inform this association. Despite the fact that I know that my ability to explain, say, karma, is a far cry from gaining intimacy with it and helping others understand it, I harbor a deeply ingrained tendency to pursue explanations before or even in place of pursuing the intimacy of understanding. While a good explanation is a truly valuable thing, it is easy for me to overemphasize it. As for the tangled quality, I recognize that I have deeply ingrained habits informed by my societies conceptions of thinking and knowing and even of what counts as "right speech". I also recognize that the association of explaining with understanding effects everything else in my being, dampening everything from the quality of my intellect to my ability teach well and even to love deeply.
When I seek to explain something to myself or another, or to understand something via reading someone else's explanation, I often create a distance: between myself and the subject of understanding, between elements of my self, between myself and the one being explained to, between the one being explained to and the subject of explanation. I also create a distance between myself and zen. In seeking to understand, especially through explanations and definitions, I have at times alienated myself from the path: such has certainly been the case in recent times. In trying to explain zen to myself - learning the precepts, the poisons, etc - I have sometimes lost touch with the zen my body knows and loves and trusts. By approaching zen through explanation, I have at times lost the will to practice. Reading contemporary Buddhist authors who also emphasize explanation has at times exacerbated this: I was drawn to zen through poetry, koans, ink paintings, and wild stories which spoke deeply to my body. I would like to turn back to these resources that, even through words, embody the spirit that is beyond words and letters.
Which is to say that I do want to continue to learn how to approach zen, and the rest of life, intellectually: intellect beyond words and letters, even explanations beyond words and letters. Learning to use words for the sake of bringing clarity and insight is part of my path. I will continue to refine my ability to explain, by allowing zazen and poetry and silence to more deeply inform my words. I will try to be mindful of when words are idle and unnecessary, of when explanations facilitate understandings and when they inhibit them.
Thank you for being with me on this path.
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