Deeply engaged in writing a massive lit review for my thesis, I haven't been wanting to spend the extra time at the computer to blog. And yet, I have been having many thoughts, and I miss posting them here.
On Monday, I sat docusan (a zen student/teacher practice discussion) with Jordan in the morning, and went to Young Urban Zen for the first time in a few weeks in the evening. Sitting with Jordan, I expressed to him that I had originally sought him out a couple months back because I realized that taking the precepts had become very real for me. I have absolutely no doubt that I want to live my life according to the precepts. They and other Buddhist teachings are invaluable tools for living the deepest and most grounded and beautiful life I can live. I expressed to him that although my practice has diminished, my sincere feelings about the precepts have grown.
His response came very close to moving me to tears. He told me that in my life, I am practicing all the time. The practice is not just zazen, it does not just occur in the temple. He told me that he saw very clearly that practice had gotten under my skin. "I know that you see the world through the lens of practice. And so go to the sewing room on Tuesday evening. Tell them you have my permission to start sewing the rakusu." His faith in me, and the fact that he asked me to do this during a time when I have not been sitting zazen or visiting the temple, brought tears to my eyes. I felt incredibly supported.
I have often felt in this life that the natural relationship of elders supporting adults in their life processes and spiritual paths has been broken. It seems like an almost biological rupture. I have no idea what the academics would say, but I profoundly feel that the type of animals that human beings are involves a mammalian care for the young but also an elderly care for adults, and of adults for elders. I feel that we are hard-wired to care for certain people in certain ways through the course of our lives. This society seems to interrupt our natural biological tendencies. This is a major and radically under-thought but deeply felt tangent: I have often felt torn away from my animal being, in many ways, throughout my entire life, right down to my earliest memories.
While cleaning out my parents house a few weeks ago, I found a fifty page paper I wrote on yoga when I was 24 and was reminded that I practiced yoga for a long time because it helped me understand and embrace my animal being. I even understood Patanjali as speaking to humans on an animal level, as providing a practice for helping human beings feel what they actually were. Spirituality at that time in my life was all about finding ways to feel out the body/mind. To overcome the duality of body and mind, built into our language and ways of thought, I began to use the word "organism". Spirituality was about understanding the human organism, the human animal. I think I had some wisdom as a 24 year old. I am reminded by my 24 year old self that zazen is very much about understanding the human organism.
Moving away from that tangent: it has been extremely rare in my life to feel supported by the wisdom of my elders, even though this feels like something that human beings are naturally constructed to do. One thing that is remarkable about the Zen Center is that we can support and be supported by our elders. Jordan knew exactly what to give this young man in order to move him along. That evening, he sat next to me at dinner, and gave me a big hug when he left. He pulled Blache aside and told her that I would be showing up to begin sewing my rakusu soon. Blanche and I talked for twenty minutes. She gave me a very warm hug before I went to Young Urban Zen.
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