Breathing Love Deeply into my Being

I revisited the post ‘Stow Lake’ from the 18^th.  Eleven days ago, feeling a fresh heartache, I wrote that I was “breathing love deeply into my being, and I don’t think I’m going to stop soon.”  Love was an organic, healing reaction that arose from that moment of much sadness, almost seeming to creep out of my pores.    

But the moment shifts so quickly.  Business with other things – from MA to Occupy – meant that I did stop soon.  It has also meant that I have not been tending to my heart and heartache and the image of her in my heart.  It’s so easy to let the energy disperse, to make myself busy, to forget what the true work is, especially if such forgetfulness means to forget sadness and other forms of hurt.  Forgetting,covering things up, dispersing energy - is not so beautiful. I would like to stay in this place of loneliness a little longer, and to go a little deeper. 

And to continue to breath love deeply into my being. 

Breath is not the only avenue: may I practice in such a way that my every action facilitates love in my being, and in being-in-general. 

In the morning, may my first thoughts be of love and thankfulness for my first waking breaths.  May I realize how sacred and powerful they are.  Even before rising from bed, may I breath love deeply into my body and calmly pay homage to the miracle of a new day.  Standing, may I notice my feet on the ground, the air on my skin, the quality of energy throughout my body, behind my eyes, in my thoughts.   And may I let love flow into all that I notice.  Noticing the sounds of the world, may I love those sounds, and allow them to become gates of love.  Noticing my sight, may I allow the way I see and all that I see to fill my being with love.    

May I breath love deeply into my being.  May I think love deeply into my being.  May I feel love deeply into my being.  May I see love deeply into my being.  May I hear love deeply into my being.  All being is Buddha-being, all being is dharma-gate being.  Dharma gates are boundless gates of love; I vow to enter them.  Buddhas way is an unsurpassable love; I vow to become it.  Contemplating the precepts, may I focus on how each facilitates a calm and loving energy that supports all being.  And over time, through the progress of my path and the deepening of my love, may I learn to help others love as deeply as can be done. 

Buddhist Robert Thurman Speaking at Occupy Wall Street

At dinner a few days ago, a few of us were talking about this youtube clip of Robert Thurman, a famous Buddhist teacher, speaking at Occupy Wall Street

And here he gives a fun lecture on capitalism :)

If anyone hasn't seen how intense it got in Oakland on Tuesday - and wants to - here's a short clip.  So important to be able to stay calm and think clearly in such moments...

And, just for fun, a picture of me and a few friends just before the recent meditation in Union Square, where over a hundred people showed up, including many from City Center and Green Gulch.   

Not Sitting, I am Reminded to Sit

Prior to the post... a high light of last night was meeting Rebecca Solnit.  I simply walked up to her and said, "Your work has meant a lot to me."  And it truly, truly has... in many ways.  She writes of a spirituality and politics grounded in a love of the earth and everything flesh and blood.  She simply replied,  "what's your name?"  "Lynn."  We exchanged a warm handshake and smile. "Lynn, it's nice to be occupying with you." 

During the last two days, focused on the Occupation, I have broken a vow to myself to sit daily zazen.  I’m not upset with myself in any way about that.  Life happens, and I’m happy to embrace it.  But not sitting these last days, I’m reminded that zazen is really about embracing life, because in the act of not sitting, I was keenly aware that I was quickly becoming less present – and less of everything that accompanies presence, such as intelligence and love. 

If my life involves the occupation, then zazen is about being present with the occupation.  Zazen would involve being intelligent about the occupation, including being able to make the best decisions in the moment, witness many emotions without taking them on myself or feel overwhelmed by them, hear many conflicting ideas without getting trapped in confusion or attachment to any one of them, and to consider future actions I may want to take.  It would involve seeing the people I interact with clearly, listening to them well, being present to their being, and existing for them in the way that is most helpful.  It involves being present with myself when I have judgments, fears, or any other feelings, being ok with them, and calmly letting them go if that is what’s best. 

Last night around 1AM, someone yelled out a false warning that police buses were approaching, and as I poured vinegar onto my handkerchief to pacify the potential teargas, I felt my jaw clench.  And then, when I heard it was a false alarm, a beautiful woman standing next to me, who I had never met before, let out a big exhale and let her arm drop onto my shoulder.  I said, “tense, huh?” and she looked right into my eyes and nodded.  I was completely sucked into the charge between us – which is a lovely thing – but right now, I’m trying to step back from the fire of sexuality so that I can gain some insights into who I am and want to be as a sexual being.  (It’s less the recent heartbreak that has made me want to consider this, and more the increase in practice – yoga as well as zazen.  These practices have deeply informed my sexuality in the past, while living deep in the Arizona desert years ago, and I am feeling that it is time to let them inform my sexuality once more.  A tangent that will hopefully turn into future entries!) 

In that moment, there was no presence, just an animal urge that at this time in my life would be emotionally unhealthy to indulge in.  So it felt good to smile at her and then step back.  Still, I judged myself for my anxiety and desire for sex – well, not for the desire, but for the feeling of being sucked into it, trapped in it - by which I mean, the impulse to present myself as a sexual being to her, to direct sexual energy in a certain way, dominated the actions of my mind, my body language, etc.  It was a reactive state.  What I've been trying to do is certainly not to have no desire, but to attend to it in the moment: to be less driven by it, in order to know that desire, and myself, more intimately.  To top it off I judged myself for not sitting zazen: “Ah, if only I had been sitting zazen these last two days, I would be dealing with this anxiety and desire in a much richer way...”       

It’s really pretty funny, because it’s true, but I also wouldn’t judge myself so readily if I had been sitting those two days!

Fact is, I absolutely love that feeling of being highly present to fear and desire.  I have no interest in reaching some sublime space of no fear and I certainly don’t want to abolish desire!  But I do very much want to make my experiences of the two more beautiful via being present and attending to them fully in the moment. So zazen, I have missed you these last two days, but we will meet again soon.  In fact - right after I stop typing :)

     

Shouldn't we support the 99%?

Occupy SF: Around midnight, this double line surrounded the Occupy site.  Everyone in the double line was ready to get arrested.  There was a third line around this one of people willing to stay until dispersal orders were given.

Quick post before hitting the hay.  Had a very emotional response to the news coming out of Occupy Oakland last night.  I hadn't invested any energy in it myself, but I had stopped by a handful of times, and a few good friends had put their all into turning it into a consciousness raising opportunity.  Saw one tonight with six welts on her back from six rubber bullets.  I hadn't felt much solidarity with the occupation before, but last night it really seemed to turn into a state vs. people situation, and suddenly my emotions got involved and I found it impossible not to go down to Occupy SF tonight and show solidarity.  It seems that many San Franciscans felt the same - tonight there were people from all walks of life at the occupy site, many labor activists and union members - some with their families - but mostly, just ordinary SF folks.  It no longer felt like a squat.  Tonight, it felt like San Francisco wanted to protect its people from the violence that occurred in Oakland last night.

Of course, cops are strategic.  They weren't going to pounce when the public energy was at such a high level.  I was tired and cold by 2AM as were plenty of others.  I'm writing this from my arm home at 2:30 AM, and Twitter hasn't blown up with any news of a raid yet.  They waited til four in Oakland.  When I left, the crowd had considerably thinned, and it will thin more.  But at midnight, there was a ring of people, two thick, around the park, all ready to link arms. All ready to get arrested!  And many of those were union people.  There was a third line of people farther back who were not willing to get arrested, such as myself, who had an understanding that when the order was given to disperse or be arrested, they would disperse but stick around to observe.  There were public officials present, and even a senator, who were dedicated to trying to negotiate with the cops. I wonder if they'll stay until four...

Ultimately, I found myself thinking about how I could contribute in a meaningful way to activism in the future.  I feel like this is a moment where class consciousness has the potential to be raised significantly, but I haven't contributed to that.  I care a lot about getting diverse people involved in dialog and finding commonalities and agreeing on modes of action.  But that's to consider later...

I'm prone to fantasy, and I kept fantasizing, how great would it be if there were fifty zen folks out here, in robes, meditating or interlaced with the human blockade?  It would have been a beautiful sight.  In what circumstances would they come out?  What would it take?  In my fantasy land we would have all been out there tonight, steadfastly sitting in zazen until forcibly moved.  It would have been a stunning symbolic action.  There are a lot of dilemmas of course, but at this time of night, I'm happy to let pragmatics slip away....

I Love my Brother!

I just spoke with my brother, Bjorn, who lives in Denver.  I told him about the blog, and knowing that he’ll probably check it out tomorrow… well, this is for him. 

To put it in a nutshell: I don’t love my brother just because he’s my brother, but because he is, without exaggeration, one of the most kind-hearted men I know.  

I also love him because we’ve grown so much together: there was a time when he was embarrassed to be in public with me – a crazy kid in his early twenties, doing back flips down the street with a purple Mohawk and shredded fluorescent green pants.  In my crazy getups, I would talk ostentatiously about philosophy and spirituality, while he glared at me with eyes that said very clearly, “you’re so full of it!  Just shut the fuck up!”  And I thought of him as a pothead who wasn’t doing anything with his life.  It’s been a wonderful process to grow together, to come to admire each other for the occupations we have chosen or seek to pursue, for our spiritual feelings, and for having admirable hearts. Today, when we think of those past times, we both can't help but laugh.

I feel close to him because, as men, we’ve walked very different paths but have experienced similar hard times: we both followed a woman we hoped to one day have kids with to another state, and we both experienced having our hearts torn out while being far away from friends and family.  Far away from support, we both fought the devil of heartbroken alcohol abuse.  Both of us have battled various forms of self-hatred.  We’re both intimate with that feeling of wanting nothing more than to never wake up again.  I’m so happy for my toughest experiences, as they helped me understand his. 

Of utmost importance: we both suffered so much because we both loved so much.  When we hated ourselves, it was because we hadn’t succeeded in caring for someone as profoundly as we had hoped.  And when we didn’t want to wake up, it was only because we didn’t like being in a world where we couldn’t love and give deeply. 

For these two brothers, their own beauty has been the source of their pain.  And it will be the source of a wonderful life to come. 

While that may be a good line to end on, one more thing: I wrote this wanting to tie it into the notion of sangha.  I told Bjorn that I have been contemplating the precepts recently, and explained briefly what that meant.  He was happy to hear it, partly because he’s witnessed the maturation of my spiritual path, but I think also because he experiences the desire to be nurtured by a spiritual community.  I can see him wanting to walk a path, but he has yet to discover what that path is.  Not that it has to be clearly defined!  But if spiritual intentions are to be cultivated, it’s incredibly important to be supported, to have people who help us consider how to deepen and stick with our intentions. This has nothing to do with any tradition or particular path.  Its pure, dumb luck that I happen to have found an institution, lineage, and sangha that suits me so well.  For many people, a place that suits them so well simply may not exist.

We should support all people.  And perhaps this means supporting all people in considering the precepts.  Like most of the warm hearted people I know, Bjorn will most likely not take up a meditation practice, much less become a Zen Buddhist.  But like many people, I think he may want to take the precepts in spirit, and live a life according to what they signify.  In ways that he may not be aware of, he will be supporting me in the precepts.  And even though he has never even heard of precepts before, in a way I will be supporting him in his efforts to live according to the precepts, inasmuch as I support him in living a thoughtful and compassionate life.

Perhaps we help people consider the precepts best by allowing the precepts to shape us.  Then people can be present with the precepts when they are present with us.  Perhaps discussing them explicitly is only important inasmuch as those discussions help us embody the dharma.      

If you gotta do it, it happens

Last night a few bands played at my house, and so I slipped away and crashed at my friend Polina’s place in order to wake up at 4:30.  She lives on Valencia st, and it was quiet aside from the fact that every half hour a group of friends would stroll down the street drunk and howling with laughter, yelling, etc.  I kept drifting off, and then… I think I fell asleep sometime after two, and then at four a garbage truck pulled up right in front of the window, and I thought, “ah, well.”  So at 4:15 I was biking over to a Starbucks that will always have a special place in my heart, for the combination of being open at 4AM and being two blocks from my home. 

Last year, having landed a semester long teaching gig in US history at the last minute, with no curriculum in place, I would wake up at 3:45, splash cold water on my face, and walk over to that special place.   Sure, I could have made coffee for myself at my home, but getting outside quickly and then being around all the taxi drivers and truckers and exchanging “hello, how are you doing’s” with all the other 4AM regulars was a great way to wake up.  I would write curricula for a couple hours before going to class, and for a few hours after class, and… well, it never stopped. 

The exhaustion tore me up, but it was great, and I managed to do it continuously for a couple months.  I had to, and it was exhilarating to do what you had to do.  This morning, it felt a bit like those times.  I was really stumbling to the zendo today, feeling like I was going to fall asleep while walking despite the warm coffee in hand.  But, like that time of endlessly writing curricula, the feeling was, “well, if you gotta do it, you gotta do it.”  No problem, because no alternative!  Thinking back just a few weeks ago – although I sincerely wanted to wake up and practice in the morning, I never did, and I think it was because there were so many alternatives.  It was so easy to choose alternative I didn’t really believe in, and then feel bad about it!  I feel very peaceful and grounded right now having no alternatives: like writing that curricula, if something just absolutely has to get done, it tends to get done.  I didn’t treat zazen that way until I suddenly had to face myself more honestly in recent weeks. 

Exhausted, I’m surprised I was able to write this.  Originally started with the intention to write about caring for our energy, and how sometimes this caring gets done in those moments that seem to tear you up the most.  Stumbling to the zendo, I really felt like I was nurturing my energy, breathing into being tired, happy with myself within the exhaustion.  For another post…

Teaching Prejudice and Resistance

I’m excited about a project I just started, building the theme of “prejudice and resistance” into 6^th grade world history curricula.  I’m collaborating with a teacher on curricula that we’ll test during the spring semester.  I’ll be doing the bulk of the research, part of which will involve examining how various forms of prejudices existed in ancient India, China, and Greece.  I mention it here because I’m curious to discover how ancient Buddhism functioned both to support hierarchical structures and prejudices supported by them, and to subvert prejudices.  I’ll let you all know what I come up with :)  And it may be an interesting way to introduce the Upanishads (those works that gave philosophical depth to notions of samsara, karma, and reincarnation beginning in the 9^th century BCE) as a spiritual, philosophical and reflective movement serving to de-hierarchize spiritual practice.

 I’m excited to discover ways to introduce such material to twelve year olds!  And I’m excited to see what they do with it.  One of the points behind teaching thematically is that historical themes can always be compared to the present – it will be interesting to look at diverse modes of prejudice and resistance, and see if students see those functioning in their world.  The idea is not so much that this subject is historically interesting, but that students will learn how to perceive prejudice where they might not have seen it before, analyze how it functions, and conceive of methods of resistance.  (I’m still not sure about the word “resistance”, it feels a bit ideologically loaded, bringing to mind the boorish image of the raised fist.  Resistance also feels more militant that many modes of fostering change tend to be.)   

So, my working thesis question as it stands is “does teaching the theme of prejudice and resistance in world civilizations help students better understand prejudice and resistance in their own world?”

And, yes, I’m probably also excited because ever since wanting to be a ninja as a little boy, I have also wanted to investigate historical guerrilla mechanisms of avoiding the state or strategically assimilating into it.  (An excuse to read authors I’ve long been interested in, such as James C. Scott.)  An academic extension of boyhood fantasies?  It makes me happy to consider how childhood imaginations continue to blossom in invisible ways all throughout life :)

Aside from that… I’ve been considering the precepts.  The main feeling that has arisen is that taking them feels natural and affirming of myself and the life I want to live.  Not taking them would feel like turning my back on my most lovely desires.  I feel like my back has been turned the wrong  way for a few years – not completely the wrong way, but let’s say not exactly angled in the direction that will make me happy! – and that its time to embrace all those things I truly love and respect about myself.  The precepts, to me, symbolize that embrace.  I’ll be sitting docusan with Jordan Thorn on Tuesday morning to begin the process of reflecting on this matter.