Prior to the post... a high light of last night was meeting Rebecca Solnit. I simply walked up to her and said, "Your work has meant a lot to me." And it truly, truly has... in many ways. She writes of a spirituality and politics grounded in a love of the earth and everything flesh and blood. She simply replied, "what's your name?" "Lynn." We exchanged a warm handshake and smile. "Lynn, it's nice to be occupying with you."
During the last two days, focused on the Occupation, I have broken a vow to myself to sit daily zazen. I’m not upset with myself in any way about that. Life happens, and I’m happy to embrace it. But not sitting these last days, I’m reminded that zazen is really about embracing life, because in the act of not sitting, I was keenly aware that I was quickly becoming less present – and less of everything that accompanies presence, such as intelligence and love.
During the last two days, focused on the Occupation, I have broken a vow to myself to sit daily zazen. I’m not upset with myself in any way about that. Life happens, and I’m happy to embrace it. But not sitting these last days, I’m reminded that zazen is really about embracing life, because in the act of not sitting, I was keenly aware that I was quickly becoming less present – and less of everything that accompanies presence, such as intelligence and love.
If my life involves the occupation, then zazen is about being present with the occupation. Zazen would involve being intelligent about the occupation, including being able to make the
best decisions in the moment, witness many emotions without taking them on myself or feel overwhelmed by them, hear many conflicting ideas without getting trapped in confusion or attachment to any one of them, and to consider future actions I may want to take. It would involve seeing the people I interact with clearly, listening to them well, being present to their being, and existing for them in the way that is most helpful. It involves being
present with myself when I have judgments, fears, or any other feelings, being
ok with them, and calmly letting them go if that is what’s best.
Last night around 1AM, someone yelled out a false warning
that police buses were approaching, and as I poured vinegar onto my handkerchief
to pacify the potential teargas, I felt my jaw clench. And then, when I heard it was a false alarm, a
beautiful woman standing next to me, who I had never met before, let out a big
exhale and let her arm drop onto my shoulder.
I said, “tense, huh?” and she looked right into my eyes and nodded. I was completely sucked into the charge
between us – which is a lovely thing – but right now, I’m trying to step back
from the fire of sexuality so that I can gain some insights into who I am and
want to be as a sexual being. (It’s less
the recent heartbreak that has made me want to consider this, and more the increase
in practice – yoga as well as zazen. These
practices have deeply informed my sexuality in the past, while living deep in
the Arizona desert years ago, and I am feeling that it is time to let them
inform my sexuality once more. A tangent
that will hopefully turn into future entries!)
In that moment, there was no presence, just an animal urge that at this time in my life would be emotionally unhealthy to indulge in. So it felt good to smile at her and then step back. Still, I judged myself for my anxiety and desire for sex – well, not for the desire, but for the feeling of being sucked into it, trapped in it - by which I mean, the impulse to present myself as a sexual being to her, to direct sexual energy in a certain way, dominated the actions of my mind, my body language, etc. It was a reactive state. What I've been trying to do is certainly not to have no desire, but to attend to it in the moment: to be less driven by it, in order to know that desire, and myself, more intimately. To top it off I judged myself for not sitting zazen: “Ah, if only I had been sitting zazen these last two days, I would be dealing with this anxiety and desire in a much richer way...”
In that moment, there was no presence, just an animal urge that at this time in my life would be emotionally unhealthy to indulge in. So it felt good to smile at her and then step back. Still, I judged myself for my anxiety and desire for sex – well, not for the desire, but for the feeling of being sucked into it, trapped in it - by which I mean, the impulse to present myself as a sexual being to her, to direct sexual energy in a certain way, dominated the actions of my mind, my body language, etc. It was a reactive state. What I've been trying to do is certainly not to have no desire, but to attend to it in the moment: to be less driven by it, in order to know that desire, and myself, more intimately. To top it off I judged myself for not sitting zazen: “Ah, if only I had been sitting zazen these last two days, I would be dealing with this anxiety and desire in a much richer way...”
It’s really pretty funny, because it’s true, but I also
wouldn’t judge myself so readily if I had been sitting those two days!
Fact is, I absolutely love
that feeling of being highly present to fear and desire. I have no interest in reaching some sublime
space of no fear and I certainly don’t want to abolish desire! But I do very much want to make my
experiences of the two more beautiful via
being present and attending to them fully
in the moment. So zazen, I have missed you these last two days, but we will meet again soon. In fact - right after I stop typing :)
No comments:
Post a Comment