Stow Lake

Running Stow Lake

Cool mist on my skin,

Like deeply breathing in,

This Heartache. 

Running, like zazen, can be an elevated mode of self-processing.  At this moment, working with a broken heart, zazen and running have been my dearest friends.  It was only because of them that I was able to say all the right things to her when she left.  It was only because of them that I was able to see my heart clearly and express it, to see her clearly and love her even for wanting to leave, and to offer care to her despite wounds that could easily blind me and strip me of my presence and my love.  Sitting, letting go of my thoughts, what emerges are two beautiful beings, myself and her, always beautiful forever.

There are now a few women I have been with who I will love deeply and forever.  They are sacred, wonderful, miracles.  This broken heart is so small compared to seeing their beauty.  I would never let pain get in the way of that.  This broken heart too is beauty.  My choice to deal with this in the most beautiful way I know how is a profound experience which has drawn me closer to practice.   These last few days have essentially forced me to see myself clearer than I have in the past, including noticing how much I chose not to see.  I feel superficialities and myriad shallow desires slipping away.  In order to do the right thing, I’ve developed more of a focus on breathing love deeply into my being, and I don’t think I’m going to stop any time soon.  

I feel that it will be difficult to meet another woman.  I’m ok with that.  A friend of mine at Green Gulch once told me the phrase, “marry the Buddha.”  When she moved to Green Gulch, she set her sexual and romantic pursuits aside for a certain time and married the Buddha.  There are times in life that call for this, to give the Way the devotion you would give the person most dear to you.  Waking up for morning zazen has never been easier than it was this morning, and on the zafu, the phrase “marrying the Buddha” permeated my being.  Afterwards, while running, the phrase and feeling stayed with me.  I hope I succeed in setting my intentions in this direction. 

At Stow Lake, a burning sorrow turns into a love of life, of myself, of her, of the path.  The air is crisp.  The mist on my skin is the deep calm of my heart.