If you gotta do it, it happens

Last night a few bands played at my house, and so I slipped away and crashed at my friend Polina’s place in order to wake up at 4:30.  She lives on Valencia st, and it was quiet aside from the fact that every half hour a group of friends would stroll down the street drunk and howling with laughter, yelling, etc.  I kept drifting off, and then… I think I fell asleep sometime after two, and then at four a garbage truck pulled up right in front of the window, and I thought, “ah, well.”  So at 4:15 I was biking over to a Starbucks that will always have a special place in my heart, for the combination of being open at 4AM and being two blocks from my home. 

Last year, having landed a semester long teaching gig in US history at the last minute, with no curriculum in place, I would wake up at 3:45, splash cold water on my face, and walk over to that special place.   Sure, I could have made coffee for myself at my home, but getting outside quickly and then being around all the taxi drivers and truckers and exchanging “hello, how are you doing’s” with all the other 4AM regulars was a great way to wake up.  I would write curricula for a couple hours before going to class, and for a few hours after class, and… well, it never stopped. 

The exhaustion tore me up, but it was great, and I managed to do it continuously for a couple months.  I had to, and it was exhilarating to do what you had to do.  This morning, it felt a bit like those times.  I was really stumbling to the zendo today, feeling like I was going to fall asleep while walking despite the warm coffee in hand.  But, like that time of endlessly writing curricula, the feeling was, “well, if you gotta do it, you gotta do it.”  No problem, because no alternative!  Thinking back just a few weeks ago – although I sincerely wanted to wake up and practice in the morning, I never did, and I think it was because there were so many alternatives.  It was so easy to choose alternative I didn’t really believe in, and then feel bad about it!  I feel very peaceful and grounded right now having no alternatives: like writing that curricula, if something just absolutely has to get done, it tends to get done.  I didn’t treat zazen that way until I suddenly had to face myself more honestly in recent weeks. 

Exhausted, I’m surprised I was able to write this.  Originally started with the intention to write about caring for our energy, and how sometimes this caring gets done in those moments that seem to tear you up the most.  Stumbling to the zendo, I really felt like I was nurturing my energy, breathing into being tired, happy with myself within the exhaustion.  For another post…