Just a quick post.
Tonight, I hurt someone I care a great deal for. I lied about something of great importance. And it may change the special connection we
have. Perhaps trust can be mended, but
perhaps not.
My stomach in knots, pacing up and down my room, my impulse
is towards zazen. My God, I want to sit
right now. Please, Lord, let me reorient
myself! Please let me begin to eat more
healthily, to develop more healthy habits and desires. I want so badly to practice right now. Writing this, I am almost crying, and would
be crying if I didn’t harbor emotional blockages I’ve developed to deal with emotional
pain. Certainly crying in my heart, out
of shame, and heartache, but also because living a life of strong practice just
feels like a fantasy.
Slowly pacing. I
think of myself as the type of person who would not lie to another, or hurt
another. But this self-concept is not in
accordance with reality.
I do not see myself as clearly as I would like to believe. I have so many attachments I am not aware of. I have self-concepts that delude me. Perhaps I am not even as good a man as I
would like to believe. Zazen and friendship
is the best way to revaluate myself. The
first physical tear has finally fallen. I
hope anyone reading this may be filled with a calm love for all that is.
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